- ♪ WA-AA-ALGREENS
- NEXT, PLEASE!
- YOU ARE SUREYOU WANT TO DO THIS?
- OF COURSE I'M SURE!
- OKAY,ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE.
- I CAN'T BELIEVEWE ALL GOT DUPED.
I BEEN WEARING THIS STUPID THINGFOR MONTHS.
I FEEL LIKE SUCH A TOOL.
- LYING JERK!
- [crying]
- HOLD STILL, PLEASE.
- I DON'T KNOW WHATTO BELIEVE IN ANYMORE.
M'KAY?
- ALL RIGHT,LET'S DO THIS.
MAKE ME BELIEVE IN SOMETHINGTHAT'S BULLSHIT WILL YOU?!
UH, HOLD ON.
UH, LET'S SEE.
THAT ONE.
STUPID FRAUD!
GOOD RIDDANCE TO YOU!
- ALL RIGHT, I'M NEXT!I'M NEXT!
GET THIS THING OFF A ME!
- DID YOU DO IT?- YEP, IT'S DONE.
- YOU KNOW I SPENT 5 BUCKSON THAT STUPID THING?!
- [mumbling]I TOLD YOU IT WAS A BAD IDEA.
- OH, DON'T EVEN START,KENNY.
JUST BECAUSE YOU GUYSDIDN'T BUY INTO THE BRACELETS
DOESN'T MEANYOU'RE SMARTER THAN ME, OKAY?
- [sighs]
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, DAD.- BUT I WORE THAT WRISTBAND
EVERYWHERE, AND THE GUYIS A COMPLETE PHONY!
THERE'S EVEN MORE COMING OUTABOUT IT TODAY!
- THESE LATEST TESTSARE ONCE AGAIN CONFIRMING
THAT THE PERFORMANCEENHANCING DRUG HGH
WAS IN THE BODY OF CHRISTAT THE TIME OF CRUCIFIXION.
ALL OVER THE COUNTRY,PEOPLE ARE HAVING THEIR
'WHAT WOULD JESUS DO'WRISTBANDS CUT OFF.
IT WAS JUST A LAST WEEKA TEAM OF SCIENTISTS
FOUND TRACES OFHGH ON THE SHROUD OF TURIN
ALONG WITH SEVERAL OTHER ILLEGALCOMPOUNDS AND PAIN KILLERS.
- WITHOUT A DOUBT, THERE WAS HGHIN THE BODY OF CHRIST
AT THE TIME OF CRUCIFIXION.
JESUS DID NOT SUFFERFOR OUR SINS.
HE WAS, IN FACT,VERY HIGH.
- ALL THE YEARS OF BEING TOLDSOMETHING.
IT'S JUST SO UNFAIR.
- PRIESTS AND BISHOPS HAVE BEENWORKING OVERTIME
TO REMOVE JESUSFROM THE RECORD BOOKS
AND FROMTHE LAST SUPPER.
- [speaking Latin]
- I KNOW PEOPLE THAT PAID10 BUCKS FOR THOSE BRACELETS.
I BET THEY ALL FEELPRETTY STUPID NOW.
- [sighs]
- YEAH, AND SO--AND SOTHEN I ASKED PREACHER,
WELL, WHAT ABOUTTHE NEW TESTAMENT?
- UH-HUH.- AND HE SAYS, WELL,
YOU STILLSHOULD OUGHTA READ IT,
BUT YOU'REGONNA NEED TO PUT AN ASTERISK
NEXT TO JESUS' NAMEWHENEVER IT COMES UP.
- SO WEAK, DUDE.
DARK TIMES, BRAH, DARK TIMES.
DUDE, WHAT THE HELL?
YOU'RE WEARING A WHAT WOULDJESUS DO BRACELET!
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,I GOT IT A FEW WEEKS AGO.
BIG WHOOP.- THE BIG WHOOP
ISN'T THAT YOU HAVE ONE,THE BIG WHOOP
IS THATYOU'RE STILL WEARING IT!
- YEAH, STAN, DIDN'T YOU HEAR
JESUS DID ALL HIS MIRACLESON DRUGS?
- YEAH, I KNOW.- WELL, DON'T YOU CARE?
JESUS ASTERISK CHRIST, STAN,
PEOPLE ARE REALLY FEELINGCHEATED BY ALL THIS!
- HUGGHGH...
WHERE DO I GO?
WHAT DO I DO?
- CARTMAN'S RIGHT.
IF YOU CARE ABOUT FAIRNESS,STAN,
THEN YOU REALLY HAVE TO LOSETHE BRACELET.
- LOOK, I JUST DON'TWANT TO, YOU GUYS.
HONESTLY, IT'S NOTTHAT BIG A DEAL.
- WE ARE HERE TONIGHT WITHTHE ONLY PERSON IN AMERICA
WHO STILL WEARS HIS'WHAT WOULD JESUS DO' WRISTBAND.
PLEASE WELCOME STAN MARSH.
- DICK!
- STAN, AFTER EVERYTHINGTHAT'S COME OUT,
AFTER ALL THE FACTSHAVE BEEN PROVEN,
WHY DO YOUSTILL WEAR THE WRISTBAND?
- I DUNNO, I JUST LIKE IT.
- YOU JUST LIKE IT.
- YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.I'VE HAD IT A LONG TIME.
I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKECUTTING IT OFF.
- WELL, JOINING US NOW IS JUSTONE OF BILLIONS OF PEOPLE
WHO THINKTHAT ANYONE WHO STILL WEARS
THEIR WHATWOULD JESUS DO WRISTBAND
IS DOING ALL OFSOCIETY A DISSERVICE.
CHRIS MARTIN, YOU SAY THAT STANMARSH IS...A DICK?
- YEAH, YEAH, THANKS, CHARLIE.
MY PROBLEM WITH THIS KID IS HEDOESN'T CARE ABOUT THE TRUTH.
OKAY? IF JESUS ROSE FROM THEDEAD WITH THE HELP OF DRUGS,
THAT'S FINE, BUT THEN HE WENT ONTO SAY IT WAS A MIRACLE,
AND THATIS WHERE IT BECAME DANGEROUS.
WHAT ABOUT THE INCAS?WHAT ABOUT THE AZTECS?
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO WEREMURDERED IN JESUS' NAME,
AND THEN JESUSTURNS OUT TO BE A FRAUD.
WEARING THAT BRACELET IS A SLAPIN THE FACE TO EVERYONE.
- WHAT DO YOU SAY ABOUT THAT,STAN?
- I DON'T KNOW.I LIKE IT.
- ALL RIGHT, WELL,WE SEARCHED HIGH AND LOW
TO FIND MY NEXT GUEST, WHOACTUALLY AGREES WITH STAN MARSH
AND THINKS HE'S DOINGTHE RIGHT THING.
PLEASE WELCOME A RETARDED FISH.
- DDDBBBBBLLLLLBBB!
- NOW, RETARDED FISH, YOU DON'TSEE ANY PROBLEM AT ALL
WITH SOMEONEKEEPING THEIR BRACELET?
- BLARP BLARP BLARP BLARP!BLARP BLARP BLARP!
- THAT'S BECAUSE--THAT'S BECAUSEYOU'RE A RETARDED FISH,
AND YOUDON'T KNOW ANY BETTER!
WHAT ABOUT THE CRUSADES?THE INQUISITIONS?
HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE TORTUREDAND PUT TO DEATH
FOR SOMEBODYWHO WAS A FAKE?
- BARP.
- WHAT ABOUT THE CRUSADES,STAN?
DOES THAT ENTER INTO YOURDECISION AT ALL?
- NO, I JUST--I DON'T KNOW. NO.
- ANYTHING TO ADD,RETARDED FISH?
- NO.
NO, I'M GOOD.THANK YOU.
- STAN!
HEY, STAN, CAN I TALK TO YOU?
LISTEN, STAN,I JUST WANNA TELL YOU--
YOU'VE REALLY BEENAN INSPIRATION, M'KAY?
- I HAVE?- YEAH, YOU KNOW,
I CAN'T BELIEVE IN JESUSANYMORE
BECAUSE HE'S A DAMN FRAUD,
SO WHAT I'M GONNA BELIEVE INIS JUST BEING ME
AND BEING INDEPENDENTLIKE YOU.
SO WHAT I DID IS I GOTTHIS BROWN BRACELET
TO REMIND ME OFSTANDING MY GROUND, M'KAY?
AND JUST BELIEVING IN THE CAUSEOF BEING ME.
- YOU'RE WEARING A BRACELETTO THINK OF ME?
- OH, I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.THERE'S LOTS OF PEOPLE DOING IT!
HEY, BUTTERS--STANGROUND!
- STANGROUND, MR. MACKEY!
- ANYWAY, THANKS, STAN.AND, YOU KNOW,
JUST KEEP ON...KEEP ONSTANDING YOUR GROUND, M'KAY?
- YOU'RE WEARINGA BROWN BRACELET NOW, BUTTERS?
- WELL, YEAH!
IT HELPS REMIND ME THAT ISHOULDN'T BACK DOWN ANYMORE
WHEN I FEEL PRESSUREFROM OTHER PEOPLE!
I JUST GOT REALLY MOVEDAFTER I SAW WHAT YOU DID
FOR ALL THOSEFARMERS IN BELARUS.
- FARMERS IN WHERE?
[shouting in foreign language]
- YEAH!
- DUDE, WHERE ARE PEOPLE GETTINGALL THE BROWN WRISTBANDS?
- I DON'T KNOW.I GOT MINE DOWN AT 7-ELEVEN.
SEE?RIGHT HERE.
- HELLO.YOU INTERESTED IN
A STANGROUND BRACE--OH, WOW, IT'S YOU!
STANGROUND, BRO!
- WOW,THIS IS HAPPENING SO FAST.
- HELLO, STAN.
STEVE NELSONWITH ENDORSEMENT MANAGEMENT.
ARE YOU READY FORYOUR NIKE COMMERCIAL?
- YES.
MY FRIENDS TOLD ME I WAS CRAZY.
THAT I WAS WASTING MY TIME.
BUT MY CAUSEIS TO STAND MY GROUND.
WHEN OTHERS SAT,I KEPT MY BRACELET ON.
BECAUSE I STAND...FOR STANDING.
- WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE SEATED?
- NO, THANKS, I'LL STAND.
- HEY, YOU WANNA SIT DOWN?- I'M GOOD.
- SIR, THE CAPTAIN HAS ASKEDEVERYONE TO TAKE THEIR SEATS.
- TELL THE CAPTAIN TO TAKE OFF.
PEOPLE ASK ME--YOU NEVERTOOK THE BRACELET OFF?
NOT ONCE?
NO.NEVER.
NOT EVER.
WHAT DO I DO?
I STANGROUND.
[theme music plays]
- NOW, WHEN DR. DREWTOLD JEFF CONWAY
HE WAS ON A ONE-WAYSTREET TO NOWHERE,
WHAT TACTICS DID HE USETO TRY AND CONVINCE--
- MR. MARSH.IF YOU DON'T MIND,
WE'D LIKE TOSEE YOUR BRACELET.
- FOR WHAT?
- IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE,
THEN PLEASE HAND IT OVER,MR. MARSH.
- WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLETALKING ABOUT?
- ARE WE GOOD?WE LIVE?
TOM, I'M HEREAT SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY
WHERE OFFICIALS HAVEBARGED THEIR WAY IN
AFTER REPORTS THAT STAN MARSHOF THE STANGROUND FOUNDATION
DID IN FACT AT ONE POINTREMOVE HIS YELLOW BRACELET.
RUMORS HAVE SURFACED THAT STANDID NOT STAND HIS GROUND
AS PREVIOUSLY STATED,
AND THAT THE WRISTBANDIS IN FACT,
SUPER-GLUED BACK TOGETHER.
- PLEASE LET US CHECK YOURWRISTBAND FOR SUPER GLUE.
- NO!THIS IS STUPID!
- HE'S THE ONE PERSON WHODOESN'T DO STUFF LIKE THAT!
WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE?!
- ARE YOU AFRAID WE MIGHT FINDGLUE ON YOUR BRACELET,
MR. MARSH?- NO!
I NEVER CUT IT OFF.
- THEN LET US SEE IT.
- THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!WHO OUT THERE
IS SAYING THAT OUR FRIEND STANIS A LIAR?!
- I CANNOT SAY, BUT HE ISA RELIABLE AND CREDIBLE SOURCE
WHO IS OF THE UTMOST PRESTIGE.
- WHO?!- ALL RIGHT.
IT WAS CRAIG.
- CRAIG?!YOU ASSHOLE.
- WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA,CRAIG?!
- IT JUST LOOKED LIKE YOUCUT IT OFF, THAT'S ALL.
- YOU GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DOTHAN TRY AND KNOCK ME DOWN?!
YOU CAN'T JUST SAY ANYTHINGYOU WANT ABOUT PEOPLE!
- OOH, LOOK AT HIM GO,STANDIN' HIS GROUND!
- YEAH!
- YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENSWHEN YOU LIE, CRAIG?!
YOU HOLD THAT LIE INSIDE...- GO, STAN!
- AND IT GROWS AND IT GROWSRIGHT IN YOUR BALLS
UNTIL THEY HAVE TOCUT IT OUT!
- LITTLE UNNECESSARY,BUT GO, STAN!
- GO AHEAD AND TEST IT!
THEN LET'S JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENSTO THIS MONEY-HUNGRY
ALCOHOLIC PROSTITUTE!
- YEAH!- PROSTITUTE!
- THIS IS BREAKING NEWS.
THE TESTS ARE DONE,AND THE RESULTS ARE IN.
THE LITTLE BOY WHO CLAIMEDHE NEVER CUT OFF
HIS WHAT WOULD JESUS DOBRACELET
DID CUT IT OFFAND LIED ABOUT IT.
- NOT ONLY DID WE FIND TRACESOF SUPER GLUE
BUT OF YELLOW MAGICMARKER AS WELL.
THIS IS A DARK DAY
FOR HONEST FRENCHSWEDISH PEOPLE EVERYWHERE.
- THOUGH THE TESTSSEEMED CONCLUSIVE,
STAN MARSH CONTINUESTO DENY ANY CHEATING.
[knock at door]
- YEAH.
- HEY, DUDE, PEOPLE ARE KIND OFPISSED OFF AT YOU.
- THANKS, KYLE.
- YOU PROBABLY SHOULD COME CLEANAND TELL THE TRUTH.
DID YOU SUPER GLUEYOUR BRACELET?
- WHY DOES IT MATTER?
- BECAUSE YOU KIND OFMADE IT MATTER.
- YOU KNOW, I'M JUST--
I'M JUST THROUGHWITH THIS WHOLE THING.
I CAN'T PUT MY FAMILYTHROUGH ANY MORE OF THIS.
- SO YOU DID SUPER GLUE IT.
- [scoffs] YOU KNOWWHAT'S REALLY SAD--
THAT THIS IS WHATMATTERS TO PEOPLE!
WHAT NOBODY SEEMS TO REMEMBERARE THE FARMERS IN BELARUS!
STANGROUND IS BIGGER THAN ME.
YOU WANT TO TELL ALL THOSEFARMERS IN BELARUS
IT'S ALL BULLCRAP?
- DUDE, THE SOONERYOU EAT YOUR PEAS,
THE SOONER YOU CAN TRY TOWIN SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS BACK.
YOU NEED TO BILL CLINTON THIS.
- YOU REALLY THINK I WENTTHROUGH ALL THAT TROUBLE,
LYING ABOUT MY WRISTBANDAND CLAIMING TO BE
SOMETHING I WASN'T--FOR WHAT, KYLE?
FOR WHAT?!
THIS IS A WITCH HUNT, DUDE.
IT'S ALL THAT STUPIDFRENCH SCIENTIST--
HE'S THE FRAUD!AND I'M GONNA PROVE IT!
- WOULD YOU MIND GETTING MESOME WATER, DARLING?
- CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO DOMY-A CALISTHENICS?
- BUT MY THROAT IS PARCHED,DEAR,
AND I'M SO SCARED OF BURGLARS.
- IS-A TAP WATERGOING TO BE OKAY,
OR DO YOU WANT ME TO GO DOWNTO A CRYSTAL GEYSER
AND BRING HER HIGHNESSSOME RIGHT FROM THE SPRING?
- TAP IS FINE, DEAR.
WHAT WAS THAT?
I COULD HAVE SWORNI SAW SOMETHING OUTSIDE.
- IT'S YOUR IMAGINATION.
[breathing deeply]
- OH, DARLING, COULD YOU CHANGETHE CHANNEL FOR ME?
THE REMOTE IS DEAD.- [sighs]
YOU JUST WANT TO METO CHANGE THE CHANNEL,
OR SHOULD I GOAND MAKE A TV PROGRAM
WRITTEN-A JUST FOR YOU.
- NO, JUST CHANGETO CHANNEL TEN. THANKS.
- IT'S STARTING TO FEEL LIKE-A THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW IN HERE.
[thud, shatter]
- WHAT WAS THAT?I THINK SOMEBODY'S HERE!
- MAYBE IT'S THE PEE PEE FAIRY
SO SOMEBODY CAN-ATAKE A PEE PEE FOR YOU TOO.
- PLEASE, I'M TERRIFIED.PLEASE GO CHECK IT OUT.
- [sighs]
- JESUS!- SHHH!
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- MY CHILD,THE MAN WHO LIVES HERE
HAS LED A WITCH HUNTTO DESTROY MY LEGACY.
I AM SIMPLY HERE TO SEARCH FORSOMETHING I CAN USE...
both: TO DISCREDIT HIM TOO.- THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING.
- OH, IT'S-A TWEEDLEDUMAND-A TWEEDLEDEE
TRYING TO BREAK INTOMY HOUSE.
- JESUS, EVERYONE IS CLAIMINGYOU WERE USING DRUGS
TO RESURRECT.WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?
- SOMETIMES IT IS BEST TO SAYNOTHING, MY SON.
YEAH, I'VE BEEN KINDOF SEEING THAT.
- EXCUSE ME,I'M SORRY TO INTRUDE,
BUT DO YOU WANT TO PLEASE LEAVE
OR SHOULD I MAKE YOU SOME-AKOFELBREAD AND SAUSAGES?
- IT ALL JUST HAPPENEDSO FAST.
- YEAH, I KNOW HOW IT GOES.
- EVERYONE HATES ME NOW,AND IT ISN'T FAIR.
- I KNOW.I JUST FEEL LIKE
IF PEOPLE COULDSEE ME IN ACTION AGAIN,
THEY'D REALIZEI'M NOT A FRAUD.
- HERE YOU GO, KOFELBREADAND-A SAUSAGES FOR YOU.
- THANKS A LOT.
JESUS, DID YOU TAKE HGHTO DO YOUR MIRACLES?
- NO!PFFFTT.
THAT'S JUST--NO, OKAY?
NO.
EVERYONE JUST LOST THEIR FAITH.
DID YOU CUT YOUR WRISTBAND OFF,MY SON?
- NO!PFFFFT.
NO, THAT'S--NO.OKAY? NO.
AND ANYWAY,IT'S NOT EVEN THE ISSUE.
- PFFT, NO, I KNOW RIGHT?- PFFFFT! IT'S LIKE...
THAT'S HERE AND...- YEAH, WE'RE LIKE...
YOU KNOW...HERE.[stammers]
- THERE'S--THERE'S FARMERSIN BELARUS
WHO ARE IN A LIFEAND DEATH STRUGGLE.
THAT'S WHATSHOULD BE IMPORTANT.
- YEAH!INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ON US,
WE NEED TO GET EVERYONEFOCUSING ON WHAT MATTERS!
WHERE'S BELA-R-RUS?
- EXACTLY!
PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOWWHERE IT IS!
- MAYBE, IF WE COULD GET PEOPLETO CARE ABOUT IT,
THEN I COULD GO AND SAVE IT,
AND PEOPLE WOULD BESTOKED ON ME AGAIN.
- HOW CAN WE RAISE AWARENESS?
- WE NEED TO GETSOME BRACELETS.
HOW CAN I BE OF SERVICE?
- WELL, WE WANTED TO STARTA NEW MOVEMENT,
AND WE THOUGHTSINCE YOUR COMPANY
SEEMS TO MAKE ALLTHE BRACELETS...
- AH, I SEE YOU'RE WEARING ONEOF OUR BROWN SCAUSES ALREADY!
DELIGHTFUL!
WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU LIKEYOUR NEW SCAUSE TO BE?
- OUR SCAUSE?
- WELL, OF COURSE!
YOU CAME FOR A SCAUSETO WEAR ON YOUR PAWS.
AND YOU WANT OTHERSTO WEAR YOURS UPON THARS!
- I'M CONFUSED.
- HMM, PERHAPS I SHOULD STARTFROM THE BEGINNING.
IN THE MODERN AGE THERE ARETHOSE WHO BELIEVE,
THAT A CAUSE IS A THINGTO BE WORN ON ONE'S SLEEVE.
AND SO, WE SELL A CAUSE.IT'S CALLED A SCAUSE.
AND WEARING A SCAUSEGETS YOU LOTS OF APPLAUSE.
WE START WITH SOME PLASTIC,WHICH IS SHERPED BY OUR SHERPAS,
THEN DIP IT IN COLORSTHAT SHOW OFF YOUR PURPOSE.
THERE ARE GREEN SCAUSESFOR RECYCLING,
BLUE SCAUSES FOR KITTIES,
AND PINK SCAUSES THAT FOCUSON NOTHING BUT TITTIES.
DO YOU HATE ABORTION? AH!THEN A WHITE SCAUSE IS FOR YOU!
WHY NOT CHAMPION YOUR SCAUSEWITH SOME SPARKLES AND GLUE?
WE MAKE SCASUES FOR THIS!WE MAKE SCAUSES FOR THAT!
WHY, THERE'S EVEN A SCAUSEFOR JUST BEING FAT!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?CAN'T THINK OF A SCAUSE?
HOW ABOUT RAISING AWARENESS FORTHE HAIRS IN YOUR SCHNOZ?
LET'S JUST THINK OF THE THINGTHAT YOU CARE ABOUT MOST!
THEN LET'S MAKE IT ORANGE,LIKE MARMALADE TOAST!
AND NOW I'D LIKE TO SAY THANKYOU FOR YOUR COMING DOWN.
I'M OFF TO GO SELL THESEIN YOUR LITTLE TOWN!
- DUDE,THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?
- KIDS. KIDS,M'KAY, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT A SERIOUS MATTER.
YOU'VE PROBABLY ALL NOTICEDMY ORANGE WRISTBAND, M'KAY?
IT'S TO SHOW MY SOLIDARITYWITH THE PEOPLE OF BELARUS.
YOU SHOULD KNOW THATTHE BELARUSIAN GOVERNMENT
IS RIGHT NOW TRYING TO--- WE KNOW, MR. MACKEY.
WE ALL HAVE OUR BELARUSBRACELETS TOO.
- OH, YOU DO.YOU GOT THOSE?
OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.
GOOD YOU'RE DOING SOMETHINGABOUT IT, M'KAY?
HEY, KIDS!KIDS, OVER HERE!
- DUDE, WHAT'S THIS ABOUTORANGE BRACELETS?
WHERE DO YOU GET THEM?
- THERE'S A GUY SELLING THEMDOWNTOWN,
BUT THEY'RE NOT MADEFROM RECYCLED PLASTIC.
- DUDE, I DON'T GIVE A CRAPABOUT USING RECYCLED PLASTIC.
- YES, YOU DO.
- OH, I GUESS I DO CAREABOUT THAT, HUH?
- HEY, STAN, WELL,SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING
THAT YOU KNEW WHAT YOUWERE DOING ALL ALONG.
THAT YOU CUT OFF YOUR WRISTBANDON PURPOSE
TO SHED LIGHTON THE BELARUSIAN FARMERS.
- PEOPLE ARE SAYING THAT?- YEAH. IS IT TRUE?
- WELL, YOU KNOW, WHATEVERIT TAKES, BUTTERS.
PEOPLE ARE AWARE OF THE PROBLEMSIN BELARUS.
MAYBE I DID IT ALLON PURPOSE,
OR MAYBE IT WAS JUSTA COINCIDENCE.
- YEAH, WHATEVER, STAN.I THOUGHT YOU WERE A BUTTHOLE,
BUT NOW I THINK YOU'RE A CUTESNEAKY LITTLE BUTTHOLE.
- WE DID IT.
THE FARMERS OF BELARUS IN THEIRPLIGHT AGAINST THEIR GOVERNMENT.
AND NOW ONE PERSON IS TAKING ITUPON HIMSELF TO END THE CRISES.
HIS NAME?
JESUS.
- THESE ARE VERY TROUBLINGTIMES,
AND THESE FARMERS ARE LITERALLYFIGHTING FOR THEIR LIVES.
YOU KNOW, I'M, UH, I'M HEREJUST TO DO WHATEVER I CAN.
- JESUS, SOME PEOPLE MIGHT BETHINKING YOU'RE DOING THIS
AS SOME KIND OF PUBLICITY STUNT
TO PUT TO REST THE RUMORSOF YOUR DRUG USE.
- YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVEN HAVETIME TO THINK ABOUT THAT.
THIS IS A CRISISTHAT NEEDS MY ATTENTION,
AND I'M JUST HERETO DO WHATEVER I CAN.
I'VE TALKED TOTHE GOVERNMENT HERE
AND I'VE TALKED TO THE FARMERS,
AND I THINK WE HAVE EVERYTHINGJUST ABOUT WORKED OUT.
crowd: AAH!- YOU KNOW,
WHATEVER STUPID RUMORSPEOPLE WANT TO BELIEVE ABOUT ME,
IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT
THAT THE PEOPLE OF BALARUSNEED MY HELP.
- I BELIEVE IT'S BELARUS,JESUS.
- YES.IT VERY WELL MAY BE
IF WE DON'TDO SOMETHING NOW.
- UM, SO YOU THINK YOU'VE DONESOMETHING HERE
TO KEEP THE CONFLICT FROMESCALATING, IS THAT RIGHT?
- I'M JUST DOINGWHAT I'VE ALWAYS DONE.
PEOPLE WANNA KNOW WHAT I'M ON.WHAT AM I ON?
I'M ON A FARM IN BALARUS,BUSTING MY ASS.
WHAT ARE YOU ON?
- UH-HUH.
AND NOW THAT THE BELARUSIANFARMERS ARE ALL DEAD,
WHAT WILL YOU TRY NEXT?
- WHAT?
AW, SHIT!
- ONE AT A TIME, PLEASE!ONE AT A TIME!
- LOOK, I WANT TO RETURNTHIS ORANGE BRACELET, M'KAY?
IT'S WORTHLESS NOW!
- NOT A PROBLEM.YOU CAN RETURN YOUR SCAUSE,
AND FOR JUST $5,I'LL GIVE YOU TWO MORE!
- OKAY. I NEED A VIOLET ONEFOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE,
A LIME ONE FOR HERPES,
AND A JADE GREEN ONEFOR HOW MUCH I HATE KYLE.
- ABSOLUTELY!$5, PLEASE!
- HEIDI TURNERSAYS YOU ASKED HER
TO BORROW SUPER GLUELAST WEEK.
- ARE YOU STILL ON THAT,DUDE?
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OFENDS JUSTIFYING MEANS?
[twing, boing, pop, toot]
- OH, MY, IT'S THE SOUND!- WHAT SOUND?
- OF ALL SOUNDS IN ALL SOUNDOM,THIS ONE'S MOST PROFOUND!
THAT'S THE SOUND THAT MEANSI MUST PACK UP MY TENT!
IT'S THE SOUND OF THE VERYLAST CENT BEING SPENT!
MY WORK HERE IS DONE,AND JUST LOOK AT YOU NOW!
YOU'RE ALL COVERED IN SCAUSES,FROM YOUR HOOF TO YOUR BROW!
ENJOY ALL YOUR SCAUSES!YOU LOOK GREAT IN YOUR CAUSE!
BE SURE TO GIVE EACH OTHERLOTS OF APPLAUSE!
I'M OFF TO THE NEXT TOWNIN MY LITTLE TRUCK!
HAVE A NICE DAY!TOODLE-OO!
- FUCK.
DUDE.WEAK.
LIKE THAT GUYHAD THIS FIGURED OUT ALL ALONG.
- YEAH.- WE WERE TRYING TO DO GOOD.
BUT WE GOT EVERYONE DUPEDBY A BRACELET COMPANY.
- YEAH, WELL, I GUESS WE'RE JUSTGONNA HAVE TO ACCEPT
THAT PEOPLE AREN'T GOINGTO THINK VERY HIGHLY OF US.
- WELL, WE CAN'T JUST LETTHAT GUY GET AWAY WITH
TAKING EVERYONE'S MONEY.
- WHAT CAN WE POSSIBLY DO?
- WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
[Rocky's Theme plays]
♪
- AHGHGH!GRAHGHGGHGHGH!
[screaming]
- YEAH!
- RAGHGH!
RAHGHGHGGHGH!
RAAAH!
VENGEANCE IS MINE!
- NO, PLEASE!PLEASE SHOW MERCY!
- ARHRHGHGH!
[cheers and applause]
THANK YOU, MY CHILDREN.
WE'VE ALL BEEN THROUGHA LOT.
WE GOT CAUGHT UP IN SCAUSES...
THAT DIDN'T MEAN SQUAT.
THEY TURNED MY MESSAGE AWAYFROM THE TEACHINGS IT HID
AND MADE IT ABOUT MEAND THINGS THAT I DID.
WHICH, OF COURSE, I DIDN'T DO.
AND EVEN IF I DID USEPERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS,
SO DIDALL THE OTHER PROPHETS.
BUT I DIDN'T.
SO WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED,
FROM THIS GREATWRISTBAND THEFT?
MAYBE...
THAT WHEN STRIPPED OF OURSCAUSES,
ONLY CAUSES ARE LEFT.
AND CAUSES SHOULDN'T BE WORNON OUR WRISTS WITH A SNEER.
LET'S KEEP OUR CAUSESWHERE THEY BELONG,
WHICH IS RIGHT HERE.
ON T-SHIRTS!
FREE PUSSY RIOT!
[cheers and applause]
- FREE PUSSY RIOT!
- YEAH!
A Scause for Applause
s16e13 October 31, 2012
A serious doping scandal shakes everyone's faith in a beloved icon. Everyone who once supported the fallen hero is now cutting off their symbolic yellow wristbands.
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