Insecurity - Full Episode - Season 16 - Ep 10 | South Park Studios Nordics

man on TV: ERECTILE DYSFUNCTIONIS A FACT OF LIFE.

YOU WANT TO SHOW HERYOU LOVE HER,

BUT YOU'RE OLDAND SO IS SHE.

THE NEXT TIMETHAT SPECIAL MOMENT COMES,

DON'T LET YOUR SEX DRIVEFAIL YOU

JUST BECAUSE YOUR WIFE LOOKSLIKE A SHRIVELED PRUNE.

FAKE IT WITH CIALIS.

IT WON'T MAKE HER ANY HOTTER,

BUT IT'LL MAKE YOU NOT CAREFOR UP TO THREE HOURS.

AND THEN YOU CAN STILL HAVEYOUR OWN SEPARATE BATHTUB

FROM HER LATER ON.

- HEY, SHEILA,YOU FEEL LIKE HAVING SOME FUN?

- OH, DEAR.

DID THE CIALIS COMMERCIALTURN YOU ON AGAIN?

- HOW ABOUT I PUTON THE UNIFORM?

- OH! GERALD.

- HUH? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YOU KNOW YOU LIKE IT.

[knocking on door]

- OH, HELLO.

- U.P.S., MA'AM.

I HAVE A...PACKAGEFROM AMAZON FOR YOU.

- OH, DEAR.BUT I'M BARELY DRESSED.

- IF YOU'LL JUST SIGNRIGHT HERE.

[both moaning]

- OH, YOU'RE SO ROUGH WITH ME,MR. U.P.S. MAN.

- YEAH?YOU LIKE YOUR PACKAGE, MA'AM?

- OH, YES!- HUH?

[grunting]

- DO IT HARDER, U.P.S. MAN.

- IKE, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

DUDE, YOU'VE BEEN IN HERECRYING ALL MORNING.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

- [crying]

- OH, MY GOD.IKE, ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?

- YES! YES!

- IKE, THIS IS A BIG DEAL.YOU HAVE TO BE ABSOLUTELY 100%.

- I SAW THEM, KYLE!I SAW THEM!

- OH, NO.

YOU GUYS CAN'T TELL ANYBODY,ALL RIGHT?

NOT UNTIL I FIGURE OUTWHAT TO DO.

- DUDE, WHAT HAPPENED?- TAKE A LOOK.

- WHAT'S THIS?

- IKE FOUND OUT LAST NIGHT.

MY MOM'S HAVING SEXWITH THE U.P.S. MAN.

- WHOA.- DUDE, NO WAY.

- YEAH, DUDE.

- BUT ARE YOU SURETHEY HAD SEX?

LIKE SEX, SEX?LIKE THEY ACTUALLY HAD SEX?

- YEAH, DUDE, LIKE, FULL-ON.IKE SAW EVERYTHING.

IT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE NOW.

MY MOM'S BEEN ORDERING ALL KINDSOF STUFF FROM AMAZON LATELY.

SOMETIMES SHE DOESN'T EVENREMEMBER WHAT SHE'S ORDERED.

SHE'S PROBABLY BEEN HAVING SEXWITH THE U.P.S. MAN

FOR A LONG TIME.

- [gasp]

- ARE YOU GOINGTO TELL YOUR DAD?

- I DON'T KNOW.

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD CONFRONTMY MOM FIRST,

BUT IT'S SO EMBARRASSING.

- KYLE, HAVE YOU STOPPEDTO THINK

THAT MAYBE THE SEXWASN'T CONSENSUAL?

- WHAT?

- ISN'T IT POSSIBLEYOUR MOM WAS RAPED

BY THE U.P.S. MAN?

WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS GUY

AND HE SHOWS UP TO ALLOUR HOUSES.

THINK ABOUT IT.

WHAT KIND OF SANE,NORMAL PERSON

WOULD WANT TO HAVE SEXWITH KYLE'S MOM?

- CARTMAN, DUDE, NOT NOW.- NO, HEAR ME OUT, YOU GUYS.

HAVEN'T YOU SEENTHOSE ADT COMMERCIALS?

WOMEN THESE DAYS GET RAPED

BY PERFECTLY NORMAL-LOOKINGWHITE GUYS IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.

IT MAY BE TOO LATEFOR KYLE'S MOM,

BUT I'M GETTINGSOME GODDAMN SECURITY.

OR DO WE JUST STAY OUT OF IT?

- HOW DO YOU TELL HIM?

"HEY, GERALD!

SORRY, BUT THE U.P.S. MANIS BANGING YOUR WIFE."

IT'S REALLY NONEOF OUR BUSINESS.

- IF MY WIFE WAS HAVING SEXWITH THE U.P.S. MAN,

I WOULD WANT YOU GUYSTO TELL ME.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE'S NOT?

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT.

THIS IS A GUY WHO VISITSALL OUR HOUSES DURING THE DAY,

WHO CLEARLY HASA KIND OF INSATIABLE LUST.

I MEAN, SOMEBODY WHO WOULDHAVE SEX WITH KYLE'S MOM

WOULD HAVE SEXWITH JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.

- OH, COME ON,

HE CAN'T BE TRYING THATWITH ALL OUR WIVES.

- WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME.

THERE IS TO BE PRICE TO BE PAIDWITH HAVING THINGS CONVENIENT.

USED TO BE A MAN HADTO GO TO THE STORE

TO BUY HIMSELF A PITCHEROF MILK.

YEAH, BUT MEN GOT LAZY.

THEY WANTED THAT MILK DELIVEREDRIGHT TO THE DOOR.

ONLY PROBLEM WAS,THE GUY DELIVERING THAT MILK

ENDED UPFUCKING YOUR WIFE.

SURE, YOU HAD YOUR NICE,COLD MILK

DELIVEREDRIGHT TO YOUR DOORSTEP,

BUT YOUR WIFE WAS GETTINGPOUNDED OUT LIKE A MALLARD DUCK.

AND NOW YOU GOT YOUR AMAZON...

AND THE MILK MAN'S COME BACK.

AND NONE OF YOU ARE SAFE.

IN THE LIVING ROOMAND THE KITCHEN,

THE TOUCH PADSAT THE FRONT AND REAR DOORS,

AND BREAK-IN MONITORSON ALL WINDOWS.

I'M AFRAIDTHOSE ARE NOT SECURE AT ALL.

- OH, NO!REALLY?

- OH, I'M SORRY,

BUT I REALLY DON'T THINKI CAN AFFORD THIS.

- MOM, DO YOU WANTTO GET RAPED?

HAVEN'T YOU SEENTHEIR COMMERCIALS?

YOU CAN GET RAPEDBY A WHITE GUY THESE DAYS, MOM!

- OH!

- YES, UNFORTUNATELY,IT'S NOT ENOUGH

TO JUST BE FEARFULOF STRANGERS THESE DAYS.

- WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- WELL, MANY TIMES HOUSESARE BURGLARIZED

BY SOMEONE THE VICTIM KNOWS.

- OH, MY GOD!I KNEW IT!

KYLE IS ALWAYS TAKING MY STUFF!

JUST YESTERDAY I COULDN'T FINDMY iPod HEADPHONES.

THAT SNEAKY LITTLE JEW.

- WE REALIZE IT'S A LOTTA MONEY,MRS. CARTMAN,

BUT REALLY, HOW MUCH IS FEELINGSECURE IN YOUR OWN HOME WORTH?

- YEAH, MOM!

THERE'S DANGEROUS PEOPLE OUTTHERE TRYING TO SCREW US BOTH.

- DON'T YOU NEED TO BE GETTINGTO WORK, RAN?

- NO, I THINK I'LL, UH, JUSTHANG OUT A LITTLE WHILE LONGER.

[doorbell]

I'LL GET IT.

- HEY, THERE.

LOOKS LIKE I'VE GOT A COUPLEPACKAGES FROM AMAZON FOR YOU.

- OH, IS THAT SO?

- IF I CAN JUST GETYOUR SIGNATURE RIGHT THERE.

- SURE.UH...CHAD, IS IT?

- THAD.

- THAD. NICE.

YOU, UH, HAVING A BUSY DAY?

- OH, YOU KNOW, JUST TRYINGTO GET TO EVERYONE.

- YEAH, I'LL BET.

- WELL, HAVE A GOOD ONE.- YEAH, YOU TOO, THAD.

HEY, SHARON,THESE CAME FOR YOU.

- OOH, STUFF FROM AMAZON?

- YEAH.WHAT ARE THEY?

- YOU KNOW, TO BE HONEST,I CAN'T REMEMBER.

- YOU JUST ORDERED STUFFOFF OF AMAZON

AND YOU CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT?

- OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

THESE ARE THE PARING KNIVESI ORDERED.

SORRY, I THINKI WAS A LITTLE TIPSY.

OH, AND THIS IS THE BOOKSTAN'S BEEN WANTING.

CAN YOU TAKE IT UP TO HIM?

- YEAH, SURE, 'CAUSE...

PEOPLE JUST ORDER STUFFFROM AMAZON

AND FORGET WHAT THEY GOT.

STAN, YOU'VE GOT SOMETHINGFROM AMAZON.

OH.

[gasp]

AWW, SHIT!

[alarm blaring]

- AH, FUCK.

OH, GOD DAMMIT.

[phone ringing]HELLO?

- THIS IS JEFFWITH WOLF HOME SECURITY.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

- YEAH, SORRY.I LIVE HERE.

I JUST--I CAN'T REMEMBERTHE CODE TO TURN OFF THE ALARM.

- THAT'S OKAY.

DO YOU HAVE YOUR SECURITYPASS PHRASE YOU CAN TELL ME?

- OH, YEAH, YEAH.

MY PASS PHRASE IS"KYLE IS A DIRTY, NO-GOOD JEW."

NO, WAIT!"KYLE IS A NO-GOOD, LYING JEW."

- OKAY, I'VE GOT SOMETHINGA LITTLE DIFFERENT HERE.

- UH, IS IT "MY FRIEND KYLEIS A NO-GOOD, DIRTY--"

HANG ON, I'VE GOT ITWRITTEN DOWN HERE SOMEWHERE.

- NO PROBLEM.- SORRY ABOUT THIS.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT.IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

- OKAY, THANKS, I--WAIT! HANG ON SECOND.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN"THAT'S ALL RIGHT"?

WHAT IF I WAS SOMEBODY TRYINGTO RAPE MY MOM?

- YOU WANT TO RAPE YOUR MOM?

- THAT'S NICE YOU'RE SO COOLABOUT ME TRIGGERING THE ALARM

AND NOT KNOWING THE PASSWORD,

BUT HOW DO YOU KNOWI'M NOT MAKING IT UP?

I COULD HAVE RAPED MY MOMTWICE BY NOW.

- YOU SAID YOU LIVE THERE.

- I DO,BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

I COULD BE KYLE TRYING TO TAKEMORE OF MY SHIT!

- HOW DID YOU GET RID OF HIM?

HOW DID YOU GET RIDOF THE MILK MAN?

- THERE'S NO GETTING RIDOF HIM.

NOT IN ANY WAY YOU FOLKSWOULD BE PREPARED FOR.

NO, BEST TO JUST LET HIM GO ONFUCKING YOUR WIVES.

MAYBE HE'LL GET TIRED OF IT.

- DAMN YOU!IT'S NOT JUST OUR WIVES ANYMORE.

THIS MORNING, HE CAME FOR ME.

I OPENED THE DOOR.IT WAS THE U.P.S. MAN.

HE HAD A BOX FROM AMAZON.

I LOOKED INSIDE AND FOUNDAN ADAPTOR FOR AN iPhone,

AND THEN I REMEMBERED... I HAD ORDERED IT.

I ORDERED IT THE DAY BEFORE ANDI BARELY HAD ANY RECOLLECTION.

THE U.P.S. MANIS USING HIS POWERS

TO TRY TO HAVE SEXWITH ME NOW.

- YOU SAID WE WOULDN'T BEPREPARED TO GET RID OF HIM.

HOW DID YOU?

- WE USED A PRETTY BLONDETO LURE HIM IN.

WHEN SHE ANSWERED THE DOOR,

SHE TOLD THE MILK MANTO FOLLOW HER TO THE BATHTUB.

SHE TOOK OFF HER CLOTHESAND ASKED THE MILK MAN

TO FILL THE TUB WITH MILK.

THE MILK MAN SAID, "DO YOU WANTTHAT MILK PASTEURIZED?"

THE BLONDE REPLIED,"NO, JUST UP TO MY BOOBS.

I CAN SPLASH ITIN MY EYES."

THAT'S WHEN WE JUMPED HIM.

IT WAS OVER IN MINUTES,THEN WE BURNED HIS BODY.

YOU WANT TO GET RIDOF THE MILK MAN,

YOU'VE GOT TO KILL HIMAND KILL HIM GOOD.

AND THEN YOU'VE GOT TO GOTO THE STORE

FOR YOUR STUFF FROM THEN ON.

THEN YOU'VE GOTTO PAY UP FRONT, KID.

- YOU'LL GET YOUR MONEY

WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED DOINGWHAT I ASKED YOU, ALL RIGHT?

NOW, AS SOON ASI LOCK THE DOOR,

JUST GIVE ME A FEW SECONDSTO ARM THE SYSTEM,

THEN YOU BREAK INAND TRY TO RAPE MY MOM.

OKAY, YOU GOT IT?

[banging on door]

[glass shattering]

[alarm blaring]

[phone ringing]

HELLO?

- THIS IS MICHAELWITH WOLF HOME SECURITY.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

- NO, A MAN JUST BROKEINTO OUR HOUSE,

AND HE'S ABOUTTO RAPE MY MOM.

[whispering] GO, GO.SHE'S UPSTAIRS.

HELLO?DID YOU HEAR ME?

A RAPIST IS HERE.HE'S WHITE.

- OKAY, SHOULD WE CONTACTTHE POLICE?

- YES, YOU SHOULD CONTACTTHE FUCKING POLICE!

MY MOM IS ABOUTTO GET FUCKING RAPED!

- OKAY, WE'RECONTACTING THEM NOW.

- HE'S GOINGUP THE STAIRS, DUDE.

YOU BETTER HURRY.- TRY AND STAY CALM.

THE POLICE ARE ON THEIR WAY.

- WELL, THAT'S NICE.

MAYBE THEY CAN BRINGSOME CIGARETTES AND GATORADE

BECAUSE THE GUY'S GONNABE PRETTY WIPED OUT.

[doorbell]

- HEY, THERE,MISTER...STOTCH.

LOOKS LIKEANOTHER AMAZON PACKAGE.

- I KNOW THATWHAT I FEEL FOR YOU

IS JUST SOME KIND OF SPELL.

- SORRY?

- JUST LET ME SIGN.

- ALL RIGHT,HE'S COMING TO YOU.

[gun cocks]

- WELL, HELLO, THERE,MR. U.P.S. MAN.

- WHAT ARE YOU--

- YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFTOUR WIVES ALONE.

NOW LET'S GO FOR A DRIVE.

- LOOK, YOU CAN HAVEWHATEVER'S IN THE BACK.

IT'S ALL STUFF FROM AMAZON.

- PULL IN HERE.

- JUST LET ME GO, HUH?

- OH, BUT THEN WE'D MISS OUTON ALL THE FUN.

- AH!

AH, OOH!

- YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER COMETO OUR TOWN.

A MAN'S WIFE IS HIS LIFE,MR. U.P.S. MAN.

- [grunting]

[woman screaming]

- OH, MY GOD!- COME ON, HONEY!

- [coughs]

- THOUGHT WE WOULDN'T FIND OUT?

[coughing, retching]

[latch rattling]

- WHO'S THERE?

- AH! PLEASE![alarm blaring]

- AH! AH!

[phone ringing]

YEAH, HELLO?

- HELLO, THIS IS VARASHNUWITH WOLF HOME SECURITY.

- A MAN JUST BROKEINTO MY HOUSE WITH--

VARASHNU?

I DIDN'T SIGN UP TO HAVESOME INDIAN GUY CALLING ME.

ARE YOU EVENIN THE UNITED STATES?

- UH, YES,I AM IN UNITED STATES.

- OH, THAT IS BULLSHIT.PUT YOUR MANAGER ON.

- OKAY, HOLD ON.[line beeping and trilling]

- HELLO?

- THIS IS KEVINWITH WOLF HOME SECURITY.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

- NO, EVERYTHING'S NOTALL RIGHT.

HOW COME A GUY FROM INDIA

IS CALLING ME WHEN MY HOUSEIS BEING BROKEN INTO?

- WE HAVE ALARMS GOING OFFACROSS THE COUNTRY

14 TIMES A MINUTE.

THAT TAKES A LOT OF EMPLOYEESMANNING PHONES.

- YEAH, WELL, I'M NOT PAYINGALL THIS MONEY

TO HAVE SOME GUYON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE EARTH

TRY AND PROTECT ME.

- SIR, IT DOESN'T MATTERWHERE WE CALL YOU FROM.

WE STILL CONTACT THE POLICEIN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD.

- OH, REALLY?OH, OKAY.

GOSH, I'M SO RELIEVED.THANKS.

THERE'S STILL JUSTONE LITTLE PROBLEM.

HOW DO YOU KNOW I DIDN'T BREAKINTO THIS HOUSE,

SET OFF THE ALARM,AND NOW I'M STALLING

BY BEING UPSETABOUT THE INDIAN GUY

AND HAVE ACTUALLY STOLENA BUNCH OF SHIT, RAPED MY MOM,

AND YOU PEOPLE HAVE DONEABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT IT!

- I-I--WOW.THAT JUST FUCKED MY HEAD.

- YEAH, I JUST FUCKEDYOUR HEAD,

AND THE U.P.S. GUYJUST FUCKED MY MOM.

PLEASE! QUIET!

I KNOW YOU'RE ALL WORRIEDABOUT YOUR FAMILY'S SECURITY.

ALL I CAN TELL YOUIS THAT SO FAR,

BANE HAS NOT BEEN CAUGHT.

[crowd murmuring]

- WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?

I MEAN, IF BANE IS OUT THEREON THE LOOSE,

THEN NONE OF US ARE SAFE.

ONE BANE'S BAD ENOUGH.

BUT APPARENTLY WE'VE GOT,LIKE--LIKE, SEVEN BANES, M'KAY?

- WHAT DO WE TELL OUR KIDS?

WE CAN'T LEAVE THEMIN THE DARK.

- WOULDN'T BE THE ONLY ONESIN YOUR FAMILY

COMPLETELY IN THE DARK.

- WHAT?- HUH? NOTHING.

- NOW LISTEN.

THERE'S NOTHING MOREWE CAN DO TO PROTECT YOUR HOMES.

BUT THERE IS SOMEONE HEREWHO SAYS HE CAN.

- HELLO, FOLKS.

WE ARE MORE THAN HAPPY TO GETYOUR HOMES SAFE AND SECURE.

NOW YOU'RE GONNA BEWANTING MONITORS

ON ALL YOUR DOORSAND WINDOWS,

MOTION DETECTORSIN THE LIVING AREAS,

AND I WOULD ALSO RECOMMEND

YOU ALL GET OUR NEWESTPERSONAL SECURITY SYSTEM

TO MAKE SURE YOUR WIVES ARE SAFEOUTSIDE THE HOME.

- WHOA, WHOA.WAIT, WAIT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- PROTECTING YOUR HOMEAND YOUR FAMILY IS HARD ENOUGH.

BUT SOMETIMES ALARMSON YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS

AREN'T ENOUGH.

A NEW SECURITY SYSTEM ALLOWS

NOT ONLY FOR YOUR DOORSAND WINDOWS TO BE MONITORED

BUT YOUR FEAR LEVELS AS WELL.

A SECURITY SYSTEMTHAT IS ACTUALLY INSIDE YOU.

IT'S CALLED INSECURITY.

- WE'LL NEVER FORGET THE DAY

WE TOOK OUR TWIN DAUGHTERSTO THE BEACH.

- HEY-HEY!WHAT CUTE TWINS.

- THANKS!

- THEY'RE SO ADORABLE

THAT I'M GOING TO BASHTHEIR FUCKING HEADS IN!

[alarm blaring]

[phone ringing]

- THIS IS PETERWITH INSECURITY.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

- A WHITE MAN JUST TRIEDTO MURDER OUR TWIN GIRLS.

- I HAVE A POLICE CARON THEIR WAY

WITH BLANKETS AND COCOA.

I ONLY HOPE OTHER PEOPLEHAVE INSECURITY

TO PROTECT THEIR FAMILIES.

- WELL, HOW'S THE SHOE FIT,PAL?

- I THINK IT FITS PRETTY GOOD.

- OKAY, WELL, LET'S SEEIF IT FITS BETTER

THAN THIS KNIFE THROUGHYOUR FUCKING SKULL, BASTARD!

- AHH![alarm blaring]

[phone ringing]

- HELLO?

- THIS IS DAVIDWITH INSECURITY.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

- NO, A WHITE SHOE SALESMANJUST TRIED TO MURDER MY SON.

- HOLD TIGHT,POLICE ARE ON THEIR WAY

WITH BLANKETS AND COCOA.

- DON'T LET YOUR FAMILYBECOME ANOTHER STATISTIC.

HAVE PEACE OF MINDWITH INSECURITY.

I SEE STUFF FROM AMAZONALMOST EVERY DAY.

MY POOR DAD HAS NO IDEA.

- YOU'RE GOING TO HAVETO TELL HIM, DUDE.

- I KNOW.- HA HA, KYLE!

LET'S SEE YOU TRYAND TAKE MY iPod HEADPHONES NOW.

- WHAT?

- JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT IF YOU WANT TO STEALSOMEBODY'S STUFF,

YOU SHOULD LOOK ELSEWHERE.

- NOBODY WANTS ANYOF YOUR STUFF, YOU FAT BITCH.

- OH, FAT BITCH, HUH?

WELL, IT JUST SO HAPPENS

THAT THIS FAT BITCHHAS INSECURITY NOW, KYLE.

AND SO I'M PROTECTED FROMALL YOU GREEDY LITTLE JEWS

UNTIL YOUAND YOUR PEOPLE DIE OUT.

- THE JEWISH POPULATIONISN'T DYING OUT, FAT ASS.

IT'S GROWING.

- WHAT?[alarm blaring]

[phone ringing]HELLO?

- THIS IS MARCUSWITH INSECURITY.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?- YEAH, NO, FALSE ALARM.

I JUST HEARD SOME TROUBLING NEWSAND IT SET OFF MY INSECURITY.

- ALL RIGHT, COULD I JUST GETYOUR PASSWORD, PLEASE?

- YEAH, IT'S, UM--IT'S ULUVBOOBS.

- I LOVE BOOBS?

- NO, U LUVBOOBS.

LOWER CASE "U,"LUVBOOBS.

- HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

- MY PASSWORD IS ULUVBOOBS.

- OH, I GET IT.THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY.

- YEAH, IT'S FUCKIN' HILARIOUS.

NOW CAN YOU SHUT OFFMY INSECURITY, PLEASE?

- SURE.HERE YOU GO.

[alarm stops]- OKAY.

ANYWAY, KYLE,YOU BETTER WATCH--

KYLE?

- THEN, I HAD TO DRIVETO WALGREENS,

BARNES AND NOBLE,AND ACE HARDWARE.

I TELL YOU, GOING AROUND HAVINGTO BUY STUFF AGAIN SUCKS.

- YEAH, BUT AT LEASTWE NEVER HAVE TO DEAL

WITH THAT U.P.S.DRIVER AGAIN.

- HE'S BACK!- WHAT?

- I JUST CAMEFROM WILL PATERSON'S HOUSE.

HIS MOTHER GOT THREE PACKAGESFROM AMAZON

AND THE U.P.S. GUY TOLD HERWHAT HE'D LIKE TO DO TO HER.

- HOW?

- HE CASUALLY DROPPED THISON HIS WAY OUT.

- OH, MY GOD.

- DIDN'T KILL HIM, DID YOU?

YEAH, I DIDN'T THINKYOU HAD IT IN YOU.

- WE SCARED HIM.WE THOUGHT IT'D BE ENOUGH.

- MILK MAN DON'T GET SCARED.

NOT WITH FREE PUSSYAT EVERY DOORSTEP.

- SON OF A BITCH.IT'S HIM, ALL RIGHT.

- THIS GUY DOESN'T KNOWWHEN TO QUIT.

- HE'S STOPPINGAT ANOTHER HOUSE.

- GUESS THIS GUY'S A LOT TOUGHERTHAN WE THOUGHT.

MUST BE WHY OUR WIVESWANT HIM SO BAD.

[alarm blaring]- SORRY, SORRY. THAT'S ME.

[phone ringing]HELLO?

- THIS IS ALAN WITH INSECURITY.IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

- YEAH, SORRY, FALSE ALARM.

PASS PHRASE IS TICKLE ME HOMO.

IT'S A JOKE.

- MOM, DAD,YOU'VE ALWAYS TAUGHT ME

THAT BEING DIRECT AND HONESTIS A BASIC JEWISH TENET.

- THAT'S RIGHT, KYLE.

- AND THAT APPLIES TO ALL OF US,DOESN'T IT?

EVEN THOUGH IT'S CONVENIENTTO HAVE THINGS DONE FOR YOU,

SOMETIMES IT'S BEST TO DEALWITH IT YOURSELF.

[doorbell]

[sigh]

- UH, HI,I GOT A DELIVERY FOR YOU.

- YEAH.COME IN FOR A MINUTE, WOULD YOU?

- WHAT?

- PLEASE, I NEED YOU TO COMESIT DOWN FOR A SECOND.

- SO, HERE WE ALL ARE.

MOM, DO YOU WANTTO TELL DAD SOMETHING?

MOM?- WHAT'S GOING ON?

- YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELLWHAT'S GOING ON.

THIS ENDS RIGHT NOW.

WE ARE A FAMILY AND YOU NEEDTO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

- DON'T YOU THINK I WANT TO?

I HATE THIS DAMN TOWN.

EVERY DAY THINGS JUST KEEPGETTING WEIRDER AROUND HERE,

AND I'M JUST ABOUT SICK OF IT.

AHH!

OH, MY GOD.

[alarm blaring]

[phone ringing]HELLO?

- THIS IS BRIAN WITH INSECURITY.IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

- NO! THEY BLEW UP MY CAR!THEY BLEW UP MY CAR!

- I'M SENDING HELP.

POLICE ARE ON THEIR WAYWITH BLANKETS AND COCOA.

- THEY'RE AFTER ME AGAIN!DO SOMETHING!

- HOLD ON ONE SECOND, SIR.

I HAVE ANOTHER EMERGENCYCOMING IN.

- THIS IS BRIANWITH INSECURITY.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

- YEAH, NO,FALSE ALARM AGAIN.

I'M IN THE STOREAND SOME FAT BITCH ASKED ME

IF MY DAD LIKES COLOGNE.

- WHAT THE HELL'SGOING ON OUT HERE?

- STAY OUT OF THIS, GERALD.

SOME MEN CARE ABOUTWHAT THEIR WIVES ARE DOING.

- WHAT?

YOU DON'T EVENHAVE A WIFE, JIMBO.

[alarm blaring]

[phone ringing]

- SOMEBODY ANSWER ME.YOU HAVE TO SEND HELP NOW.

- SIR, WE ARE SENDING HELP.JUST STAY CALM--[ringing]

HANG ON, SIR.THIS IS MARTIN WITH INSECURITY.

- YEAH, I'M THINKINGMAYBE GERALD'S HOUSE

IS NICER THAN MINE IS.

[phone ringing]

- HELLO, THIS IS MARTINWITH INSEC--

- GODDAMN IT, I'VE HAD ITWITH YOU PEOPLE!

WHEN I SIGNED UP I THOUGHTI WAS GETTING CSI GUYS

PROTECTING MY ASSBUT ALL YOU ANSWERING THE PHONES

ARE COMPLETE RETARDS.

[phone ringing]

- HELLO?- THIS IS MIKE WITH INSECURITY.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

- HELLO!- YOU COME DOWN HERE.

- [screams]

BECAUSE HE WAS A PSYCHOPATH

WHO WAS FORCED TO HAVE SEXWITH HIS MOTHER?

- YES.WE FOUND THAT IN HIS POCKET.

- SIR, WE FOUND THISIN THE CLOSET UPSTAIRS.

- YES, THAT'S MINE.

- YOURS?WHAT?

- GIVE ME THAT!

WHAT WE DO IN OUR BEDROOMIS OUR BUSINESS.

- WAIT A MINUTE.DAD WAS THE U.P.S. MAN?

- UH, KYLE, SOMETIMESWHEN PEOPLE GET OLDER,

THEY NEED TO PLAY AND PRETENDTO KEEP THINGS INTERESTING.

IT'S JUST A WAY I CAN STILL BEINTIMATE WITH YOUR MOTHER

WITHOUT RELYING ON SILLY SEXUALENHANCEMENT DRUGS.

[alarms blaring][phones ringing]

- IT'S OVER.BUT YOU WERE WRONG.

WE DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAIDOF AMAZON.

THE ONLY PRICE TO BE PAIDFOR CONVENIENCE

IS THAT WE MUST BE SECUREWITH OURSELVES.

- YEAH, GOT YOURSELVES SOMENICE HOME SECURITY SYSTEMS,

DON'T YOU?

PAYING A MAN TO DO YOUR JOBOF PROTECTING YOUR HOUSE.

ONLY PROBLEM IS,WHILE YOU'RE OUT

FEELING LIKEYOUR THINGS ARE SAFE,

THAT SECURITY MAN ISFUCKING YOUR WIFE.

- DOORS AND WINDOWSSHOULD BE ARMED

AND YOUR MOTION DETECTORSARE UP AND RUNNING.

JUST CALL MEWHENEVER YOU NEED ME BACK.

[gun cocks]AH! WHO ARE YOU?

- IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO WE ARE.

WHAT MATTERS IS OUR PLAN.

YOU SHOULD HAVE RESPECTEDMY AUTHORITY.