[ Indistinct chatter ]
Hello, everyone,and welcome back.
We are live atSouth Park Elementary school,
where the localgirls volleyball team
is about to take onthe Jefferson Sabers.
And, Jim, it is a packed.
Sell-out crowd tonight --the first time in team history.
Everyone turning outto see what's gonna happen.
That's right, Mike.All eyes tonight
are of course on 4th graderNichole Daniels.
Will she sit or standfor the national anthem?
This week, with athletesall over the country
sitting down forthe national anthem,
the question oneveryone's mind is,
what is thislittle girl gonna do?
She's not gonna sit down.Why would she?
Screw that. I got a hundredbucks riding on this.
Come on, Nichole!Sit it out!
MAN: Now please risefor the national anthem.
This is it!
[ "The Star Spangled Banner"plays ]
ANNOUNCER #1:The national anthem starts.
Nichole Daniels seemsto be waiting.
So far, no sign of --
Oh, and Heidi Turneris sitting down!
[ Crowd gasping ]
ANNOUNCER #2: Mike,this is totally unexpected.
All eyes were on Nicholewhen Heidi Turner
comes out of nowhereand sits down for --
And there goesMeagan Ridley!
The crowd is going wild.What a turn of events.
Let's check in with Dave.
Ed and Mike, I've just lookedat the girls' Twitter accounts,
and it appears they are sittingout the national anthem
to protest allthe harassment and trolling
they receive on the Internet!
Complete surprise, Dave.Nobody saw this coming.
Three girlsnow sitting down, and --
and finallythere goes Nichole.
-Wow!-Yeah, 100 bucks!
And now as the anthem drawsto a close, this thing is over.
The final result --four athletes sitting out
on the national anthem,three of them not even black.
A shockerhere in South Park.
Thanks for joining us.
Oh, my God,that was great!
Uh, play ball.
[ Whistle blows ]
that I completely respectyour decision to protest
our national anthem.
I thought it was sweet.
I believe you shed some lighton some very important issues
regarding gender equality.
What are you doingabout Eric Cartman?
Ladies, I understandyou're upset about
the trolling you'vereceived on the Internet.
But there is no evidence thatEric Cartman is skankhunt42.
It is him.It's completely obvious,
and nobody's doinganything about it.
Well, he claims thathe's been working
at changing himselfand the world around him.
[ Clicks ]Send in Mr. Cartman.
You wanted to see me,PC Principal?
Mr. Cartman, I'm gonnaask you one more time.
Are you or are you notthe Internet troll skankhunt42?
It's skank-hunt42,and no, I am not.
He's lying.Make him show you his phone.
Unfortunately, that'd bea breach of my civil rights.
But I can assure you,nobody respected
you girls' poignant protestsmore than I did.
While people everywhere fightfor their voices to be heard,
perhaps it is timefor us to consider
that our national anthemneeds to be changed.
Americans need an anthemthat inspires and excites,
an anthem that hassomething for everyone,
while still paying tributeto what it once was.
I believe there's onlyone person capable
of achieving this --
MAN: Oh, J.J. Abrams!
[ All murmuring ]
He saved "Star Wars,"
and now we will ask himto save our country.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Mr. Abrams, we needto speak with you.
Mr. Abrams, I speak on behalfof Americans everywhere.
We've come to ask youto reboot the national anthem.
Please, Mr. Abrams,
we know you've beenasked to reboot a lot.
[ Whispering ]We know you're tired.
We know you're tired.
What do you say, sir?
We all want something new,
but that makes us rememberthe things we loved.
We want to member.
We needyour memberberries!
One light means yes.
Two lights means no.
[ All cheering ]
by the name of skankhunt42 hasbeen harassing women and girls
by making degrading commentson our school message board.
The girls are very upset,and many male students believe
that it's just because girlsdon't have a sense of humor.
I beg to disagree.
Girls rule. Women are funny.Get over it.
Just the other dayin the hallway,
I heard two male students sayinghow the new "Ghostbusters"
I was shocked and appalled.
It is time for us allto realize and accept
that girls are cooland women are funny.
Wendy? Wendy, could youcome up here, please?
Come on up, Wendy.Wendy Testaburger, guys.
[ Applause ]
Wendy, go ahead.Be funny.
Say something funny, Wendy.We can't wait.
I'm not funny.
Hey, girls are funny Wendy,okay? Get over it.
Just do women's comedy stuff --you know, talk about
how fat you are and howyou want to have sex with guys
and then say"my vagina!" a lot.
I don't feel likebeing funny right now.
And that's just the kindof sexist bull crap
that's gonna keep youin the kitchen.
Sit your ass down.
This isn't a joke, you guys.Girls are funny.
Bebe, why don'tyou come up here.
Come on, Bebe.
Come on, talk abouthaving sex with guys
and say "vagina!"and stuff like that.
Girls rule. Women are funny.
Bebe, get over yourself,seriously.
Get the micout of my face!
Huh. Oh, my God, that wasn'treally all that funny.
That's weird. Um...
Let's see. Red, you gotany zingers for the crowd?
No?How about you, Nelly?
Yeah, I got one.You're a fat [bleep]
[ Laughing ]
'Kay, that wasn't really funny.It was just angry.
You see, what the problem is,is that when a little troll
is allowed to say anythinghe wants anonymously,
then he speaksfor all you boys.
'Kay, that's good.Now, just try and say it
a little bitfunnier now.
Go ahead and get onour school message board
and see whathe's saying about us.
Then see if you guysthink it's funny.
Okay, and then -- and then --and then just go "my vagina!"
the only hope is that
J.J. Abrams' new national anthem
will appeal to everyone and bring back
those nostalgic memberberries we know and love.
Everything's gettinga reboot now.
[ Knock at door ]
Hello, sir.I'm with the Gallup poll.
We're trying to geta read on how people
will be voting in the upcomingpresidential election.
Oh. Oh, okay.
Great. And will you bevoting for the Giant Douche
or the Turd Sandwich?
Well, this is usuallya Giant Douche household,
but we are going firmlywith the Turd Sandwich.
Oh, the Turd Sandwich,huh?
You can put my wife and I bothdown for Turd Sandwich.
Well,good luck with that.
So far, Giant Doucheis leading in the polls.
[ Dramatic notes play ]
What the hellis wrong with people?
They really think thata Giant Douche
should be president?
Why'd you say I'd be voting forthe Turd Sandwich, Randy?
You haven't eventalked to me about it.
You can't possibly be thinkingabout voting for the douche.
[ Groans ]
What's wrong with you?
I just don't understandwhy every four years,
you people freak outover whether to vote for
a Giant Doucheor a Turd Sandwich.
Because we're Americans.
'Cause this is America.
Why are wedoing this again?
Why are we back to Giant Doucheand Turd Sandwich?
You just think everythingand everyone is dumb, huh?
'Cause you're a kneel-ist[nihilist]?
See? You're sucha nihilist.
and they show Giant Doucheto be leading Turd Sandwich
by nearly 10%.
Turd sandwich has saidthere is no need to panic.
Polls are of coursea useful tool,
but they can oftenbe misleading.
Our campaign is holding strong.
-Mrs. Sandwich, over here!-Uh, Mrs. Sandwich.
-Mrs. Sandwich!-Question, Mrs. Sandwich!
Well, Mrs. Sandwich,do you believe
that your opponent will gainany momentum from this poll?
I'm sure that like me,Giant Douche realizes
that polls are neverthe final answer.
♪ Sell to me, baby
Suck that poll,you dumb bitch!
Up 10%. Can youbelieve that shit?
Oh, Caitlyn, I think we'rereally gonna win this thing.
Think about it.
In a couple of months,
I will be presidentof the United States.
[ Music stops ]
Caitlyn, can Iask you something?
Uh, when we actuallyget into the White House,
like, um, what are we gonna do?
What do you mean?
Well I mean, like,you know, once we're
president and vice president,like, what do we do then?
How the [bleep]should I know?
Cait, you -- you heardabout the poll, right?
We're probably gonna win.
Don't tell meyou don't have a plan!
What plan?I thought you had a plan!
I don't haveany [bleep] plan!
That's why I have you!
I'm gonna be the president,and you're gonna be in charge
of all foreignand domestic policies!
I thought you weregonna do that part.
Are you telling me that we'reabout to be voted into office,
and we have no idea whatthe [bleep] we're gonna do?!
[ Dramatic notes play ]
"German collective guilt,"right?
Where even the Germanswho just did nothing
while Hitler rose to powerwere -- were maybe somehow
Mm-hmm. M'kay. M'kay.
But I can't controlwhat Cartman does,
so why should I feel shamefor what Cartman does?
Well, J.J. Abrams is rebootingthe national anthem, Kyle,
so everything's gonnabe fine, m'kay?
I don't think the answerto all this is memberberries.
You don't likemem-- memberberries?
[ Groans ] Never mind.I'm just gonna stay out of it.
Yeah, a-a-and 'member AT-ATs?
Oh, I 'member.
-Oh, I loved Slimer.-'Member?!
How could someone thinkthese things are bad?
[ All talking ]
MAN:The Commander In Chief Forum,
with a Giant Doucheand a Turd Sandwich.
[ Applause ]
Back now withthe Commander In Chief Forum.
I am joined by the Republicannominee -- a Giant Douche.
Mr. Douche, some sayyou don't actually have
a viable plan in place if youwere to be elected president.
[ Laughs ] Oh, well,well, who said that?
The Turd Sandwich?
In your campaign,you said that you will
deal with our country'simmigrants and enemies
by personally"[Bleep]ing them all to death."
How do you planto actually achieve that?
Well, Matt, I don't thinkI said I would
[bleep] them all to death.
Okay, well, let'sroll the tape on that.
Oh, sure, okay.
Well, there's only one immigration policy
that I believe in, and that's [bleep] them all to death!
[Bleep] them all to death.
Let's make thiscountry great again.
ALL:[Bleep] them all to death!
And then I'm gonna take allthe drug pushers in our country,
and I'm gonna [bleep] them!
And you know thosepeople in Syria?
I'm gonna [bleep] them.
That's why I will make surethat every terrorist on Earth
is [bleep] dead!
The leaders of North Korea,I'll [bleep] them all!
Criminals in our jails --[bleep]ing dead!
A day after...
Yeah! Those ads that are trying to kill us?
I'll [bleep] anyone in the advertising business,
and they'll all die, too!
So, by our estimates,it's roughly 7.6 million people
you have promisedto [bleep] to death
in your first yearof office.
And -- And you thinkthat's achievable?
I do. I do, Matt.Uh, I mean...
I'm not gonna justget elected, you know,
and -- and looklike a jackass.
[ Chuckles nervously ]
Today, we havea very special treat.
One of the older studentshas written
an original children's storyand is gonna read it to you.
Come on over, Eric.
Are you all readyto hear a story?
This was a book I createdall with my imagination.
It's called"Little Red Riding Kyle:
the Story of a Little Gay Boyand His Adventure
with Four Hilarious Women."
"One day, Little Red Riding Kylewas walking through the forest,
thinking about guys.
He was on his wayto visit his grandma,
who was a littleblack boy named Token.
Get over it.
But, then, a big, bad wolf,who was a hilarious woman
named Janet, walkedinto the house and said,
'I have a large vagina!'
and traded place--
[ Door slams ]
What the hellare you doing?!
Rebooting fairy talesto try and ease the friction
caused by Internet trolls.
You really thinkyou're fooling anyone
with this fake persona?
Everyone knows you'reacting this way by day
so you can be horrible to peopleon the Internet at night!
Why would I do that,Kyle?
I don't really care!Just don't drag me into it!
[ Book slams ]
How can they vote againsta Turd Sandwich
more than a Giant Douche?!
Randy,you got to calm down.
How can anyone be calmin a time like this?!
People actually think a turdis worse than a douche!
Look, maybe you needsome supplements
to help calm your nerves.
Have you heardof memberberries?
It's a new super fruit thathelps you mellow out and relax.
'Member "The Fugitive"?
-'Member "Akira"?-'Member "Alien Nation"?
[ All talking ]
The guys at worktold me about them.
Been taking themabout six months now.
I'm telling you, theyreally take the edge off.
-'Member explorers?-The little kids in a spaceship?
Oh, they're adorable.
'Member the Millennium Falcon?
You're my advisers,for Christ's sake!
How do we do this?!
Maybe if you swamin a pool in Florida,
you could contractthe Zika virus.
Then, you [bleep]all the people you can
and hopethey eventually die.
That would takeway too long!
And there's no guaranteeevery pool in Florida has Zika!
Could you use nuclear weapons,
then [bleep] all the bodiesafter the fact?
[ Groans ] Whatthe hell do I do?
If I win, I won't be ableto do what I promised.
But every day,I keep going up in the polls.
Why did the Democrats haveto elect such a Turd Sandwich?
Maybe you should just quit.
If I quit, I looklike a total jackass.
If I win the election...
I look like a total jackass.
I have to keep running,
but I have to make sureshe wins.
[ Dramatic notes play ]
what skankhunt42 didon the school server now?
[ Chuckles ] He Photoshoppeda picture of Heidi Turner's mom
with a dick in her mouth!
I want to see.
Look! There's Wendy's mom witha dick in her mouth, too?!
[ Chuckling ]
God damn it!
Do you guys even carehow this makes the girls feel?
We didn't do it.
We all know who did.
And if we don't do something,
then the girls will eventuallyretaliate against us.
Help! Help me!
[ Sobbing ]
A bunch of the girls --they cornered me in the gym!
They said all boysneeded to pay!
They kicked me,and they hit me,
and then they held me downand drew this vagina on my face!
They said it wasto send a message!
That's a vagina?
Yeah, see?Here's the top of the vagina,
and there's the balls.
It's starting, you guys!None of us are safe anymore!
I didn't knowvaginas had balls.
Yeah, no, they do.
Vaginas totallyhave balls, right?
You're just tryingto start a war, aren't you?
What do you mean?
If vaginas don't have balls,what do they have?
It's not gonnawork, Cartman!
I'm not gonna let youdivide boys and girls
in this school anymore!
When this whole thingcomes to a head,
you're gonna beall on your own.
[ Dialing ]
Hello, sir.How are you today?
I'm calling fromthe campaign for president,
just seeing if, uh,I can get your support
for Hillary Clinton today?
Yes, I know she's a TurdSandwich, but, you know,
if -- if you look past that,you know, she --
she really has a lot to offer.
Well, I hear you, but, you know,sometimes in life,
you just got tosuck a turd, you know?
This is impossible!
Are you havingany success, Caitlyn?
I've tried to getpeople on board,
but she's just sucha Turd Sandwich.
You're just gonna have todo something awful
to throw the election.
Every timeI do something awful,
people just getmore stoked on me!
It's impossible topiss people off anymore!
MAN: This is breaking news!
The moment has arrived.
It is here.
J.J. Abrams says he has finishedthe new national anthem.
Turn it up.
The anthem is sureto be fresh and exciting,
while recapturing the momentswe all knew and loved.
Democratic nomineeTurd Sandwich says
she will be in attendanceto show her support
for the rebooted anthem.
Let's all hopethat this new anthem
puts our differences aside
and unites this nationonce again.
That's it, Cait.
That's what I have to do.
I'm gonna sit outthe national anthem
on live television.
Then everyone will have to votefor that Turd Sandwich.
Yeah! 'Member tricorders?
-I 'member!-'Member that?!
Oh, and 'member Bionic Man?
Oh I 'member.
I loved Bionic Man.
[ All talking ]
'Member Chewbacca again?
Oh, I love to 'member Chewbacca!
Hey, 'member when thereweren't so many Mexicans?
Oh! I 'member.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
'Member when marriage was justbetween a man and a woman.
-I 'member!-Ooh, I 'member!
-Oh, yeah!-Yeah, I 'member that.
-Wait.-'Member feeling safe?
'Member no ISIS?
Ooh! I 'member!
-Ooh, 'member?!-Ooh, 'member?!
[ Spits ] What the [bleep] goingon with these memberberries?
Hey, Broship.Got a minute?
What are youdoing here?
You were right,Kyle, okay?
I drew the vaginaon my face.
I tried to fool people,but you keenly noticed
my one tiny errorin that girls don't have balls.
I'm goingto the bathroom.
Kyle, you have to tryand appreciate what I'm doing.
I know that a war is comingbetween us and the girls.
I knew it the moment theysat out the national anthem.
They sat it out becauseyou were harassing them online!
Suppose for one secondthat I'm not skankhunt42
and that I really havebeen doing what I've been doing
to try and stopthe damage he has done.
Why would you care?
Because I'm scared, Kyle.
Don't know if you've noticed,but race wars are back,
and now if we getgender wars, too?
If we could just provewho the troll was,
then the girls wouldn't bewanting a war, would they?
Yeah, but you can't track downan Internet troll.
It's too bad.
Just know this, Cartman --I'm going to prove
who skankhunk42 is,whatever it takes.
Everyone is going to know,
and skankhunt is gonna payfor everything he's ever said.
We are liveat tonight's game
between the 49ersand the Panthers.
But of course whateveryone is really here for --
the unveiling ofthe new national anthem,
rebooted by J.J. Abrams.
And, Mike, this new anthemis said to have everything
the old one had, but some newsurprises, as well.
You'd have to bean absolute asshole
not to standand support it.
This is such a big nightfor America
that both the presidentialcandidates are here.
There you can seethe Turd Sandwich
waving to all four peopleexcited by her,
and there is the Giant Douchedoing the same.
When I sit downto not support this thing,
I'm sure to lose this election.
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen...
Here it is!
And the anthem begins.Let's hope this fixes America.
For our national anthem, we now ask you all
in solidarity to please rise,
or take a knee
in order to honor America.
Wait. Uh, wait, what? Wait?!♪ O say can you...
Oh! And J.J. Abramshas absolutely shattered
Now, whether people arestanding, sitting, or kneeling,
they are allhonoring America.
J.J. Abrams is a wizard, Tom --a wizard!
More people sitting now asAbrams has made it irrelevant.
Who saw this coming?
And there's the restof the anthem,
all the partswe remembered and loved.
J.J. Abramshas fixed America.
No! This was supposed to -- oh!
[ "The Star Spangled Banner"plays ]
[ Clicks ]
Hey, Kyle.You okay, son?
Yeah, dad.Just thinking.
Well, I'll be in my officeif you want to talk.
[ Clicks ]
[ Keys clacking ]
Mr. Garrison is still on the campaign trail as the National Anthem gets a reboot by an American Icon.